1. Introduction: The Silent Grief of Good Fathers

He was a successful Sydney finance professional with two bright daughters. On paper, he had it all. But behind the polished career was a brutal truth: years of emotional warfare, endless court appearances, and the slow erasure of the bond he once had with his children. His ex-partner, driven by narcissistic rage, twisted truth into fiction, weaponised the legal system, and painted him as dangerous and absent—when all he wanted was to be a father.

His story is not rare.

Across Australia, a growing number of men face the unthinkable: being psychologically and emotionally cut off from their children by a system that, while meant to protect, too often turns a blind eye to emotional manipulation and covert abuse. These men aren’t failing their families. They’re being failed—by their ex-partners, by the courts, and by a society that assumes fatherhood is optional.

This is a blog about the reality of modern fatherhood in the face of narcissistic abuse, the systemic failures of the family court, and how therapy can help men find their way back to dignity, purpose, and peace.

And this isn’t just one man’s experience. This story echoes through courtrooms, counselling rooms, and broken households across the country—again and again. It’s backed by a growing body of literature, from peer-reviewed research to government inquiries to first-hand survivor accounts. These include:

• Harman, Kruk & Hines (2018) – Parental alienating behaviours as family violence (Psychological Bulletin)

• Gardner, R. A. – The Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Guide for Mental Health and Legal Professionals

• Bernet et al. – DSM-5 Proposal: Child Affected by Parental Relationship Distress

• Family Law Inquiry Report (2021) – Australian Parliament

• Tina Swithin – Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle

• Beyond Blue & Relationships Australia – Data on post-separation distress in Australian men

• Cited articles in Nature, JAMA, and The Cancer Journal on long-term effects of emotional trauma on men’s physical health.

2. Narcissistic and Psychopathic Behaviours in Family Systems

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t always leave bruises. It leaves confusion, self-doubt, and broken connections. In family breakdowns, narcissistic or psychopathic mothers may engage in:

• Parental Alienation: Turning children against the other parent through subtle lies, guilt, or emotional manipulation.

• Gaslighting: Rewriting history to make the father question his own reality.

• Triangulation: Pitting children against their father while appearing like the victim.

• False Allegations: Making claims of neglect or abuse with no evidence, often under oath.

Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, a leading researcher on parental alienation, has extensively documented the behavioural patterns of alienating parents. Her research shows that alienating mothers often present with Cluster B personality traits, including narcissistic and borderline tendencies. She notes that these individuals frequently continue to behave as if they’re in a “custody war” long after orders have been finalised.

A 2011 study by Harman, Kruk, and Hines published in Psychological Bulletin noted that both mothers and fathers can be perpetrators of parental alienation, but in cases where mothers are the primary custodians, they are more frequently in the position to manipulate access. These behaviours are often difficult to prove because they operate within the grey zones of legality—technically compliant, but deeply abusive.

What Kind of Woman Engages in Parental Alienation?

While parental alienation is not exclusive to one gender, research and clinical observations suggest that mothers are disproportionately more likely to engage in it—particularly when they are the primary custodial parent. This pattern is especially common among women exhibiting traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), or other Cluster B personality profiles.

According to Dr. Amy J.L. Baker (2006), a leading expert in the field of parental alienation, alienating parents often display:

• A compulsive need for control, especially over their ex-partner’s relationship with the child.

• Low empathy, emotional rigidity, and a sense of entitlement, particularly when the relationship ends on terms they did not choose.

• Externalisation of blame—a tendency to make others responsible for their emotional state, especially former partners.

• A strong desire for validation and attention, often achieved by casting themselves as the victim.

These individuals can appear highly functional in public—polished, articulate, warm. But in private, their behaviour may be emotionally manipulative, controlling, and even punitive. Baker’s qualitative studies suggest that these women often recruit children into their worldview, causing long-term psychological harm to both the child and the alienated parent.

A 2022 qualitative study of targeted parents found that alienating behaviours were most common in parents who were:

• Vindictive after separation,

• Unable to regulate emotions around rejection or abandonment,

• And motivated by a need to “win” or punish the other parent, regardless of the cost to the children.

In some cases, these behaviours resemble what psychologists term “covert narcissism”—a subtype of narcissism marked not by grandiosity, but by hypersensitivity to rejection, passive-aggressive tactics, and victim-playing (Pincus et al., 2009).

“Alienating parents often convince themselves they are protecting the child. This self-deception is powerful—and becomes part of the narrative they use to convince others.”
— Dr. Amy Baker, Patterns of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Many of these women specifically target conscientious, emotionally intelligent, and financially stable men—the kind of partners who can provide emotional security and social status during the relationship. Once the relationship ends, that same emotional integrity becomes a liability: the man is often too empathetic, too honourable, and too restrained to retaliate or manipulate in return.

These mothers may go on to speak frequently in social circles about their ex-partner’s alleged failings—gathering attention, sympathy, and social status by presenting themselves as wronged or heroic. These stories often go unchallenged not because others believe them, but because confronting a manipulative personality risks backlash or escalation—a dynamic long recognised in clinical psychology (Linehan, 1993).

How Can Men Spot the Red Flags Early?

According to The Narcissist in Your Life by Julie L. Hall and Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie, here are signs to look for early in a relationship:

• Intense charm and idealisation early on (“love bombing”)

• A tendency to talk negatively about all past partners

• Shifting blame for all personal hardships onto others

• Signs of controlling behaviour disguised as “caring”

• Rage or extreme coldness when boundaries are set

These are not just personality quirks—they can be warning signs of a deeper agenda. When left unchallenged, these patterns escalate into serious forms of emotional abuse, particularly during separation or divorce.

Healing and Moving Forward

Men who’ve been subjected to narcissistic abuse and parental alienation often carry an invisible wound. They’re not only grieving their children—they’re grieving the loss of truth, fairness, and recognition. Many feel like no one believes them. They’re gaslit by their ex, ignored by the legal system, and emotionally abandoned by family and friends who choose to “stay neutral.”

This form of complex trauma requires more than venting. It requires deep, specialised therapeutic support aimed at re-establishing safety, identity, and self-worth.

At Counselling and Psychotherapy Services for Men in Sydney, we help men:

• Process the trauma of emotional manipulation and legal injustice.

• Work through grief over lost or damaged relationships with their children.

• Separate identity from the victim role and reclaim personal agency.

• Accept what cannot be changed while still living with purpose.

• Interrupt the cycle of rumination and trauma looping using somatic and brain-based techniques.

• Develop emotional boundaries when contacted by abusive ex-partners, lawyers, or family court channels.

• Rebuild life, meaning, and love outside the confines of the courtroom.

As Dr. Gabor Maté explains, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what happens inside of us as a result of what happens to us.” When the emotional nervous system is overwhelmed by injustice and betrayal, it can internalise shame and loss. Left unchecked, this turns into negative rumination—the mental habit of replaying harm, rehearsing injustice, and subconsciously feeding the pain.

Interrupting the Rumination Loop:

Studies by Nolen-Hoeksema (2000, Journal of Abnormal Psychology) have shown that repetitive rumination increases the risk of depression, anxiety, and helplessness, especially in people recovering from trauma. For men who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, this internal loop can feel like an endless courtroom inside their own minds.

Therapies such as Brainspotting, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Somatic Experiencing help break this loop by working directly with the brain-body connection. These approaches allow men to process their trauma at the level of the nervous system—not just through words.

Preventing Victim Identity:

While it’s essential to acknowledge the pain and injustice, it’s just as critical to avoid slipping into a chronic victim mindset. A 2017 study in Personality and Individual Differences identified that internalising victimhood can lead to persistent distrust, learned helplessness, and even revenge ideation.

Our work focuses on helping men honour their pain without becoming defined by it. This means:

• Rebuilding life narratives that don’t centre around the abuse.

• Reconnecting with personal values, joy, and goals outside the legal conflict.

• Recognising that your worth is not dependent on how your ex portrays you—or how others respond to her narrative.

Dealing with Future Triggers:

Men in high-conflict co-parenting situations are often exposed to ongoing psychological triggers: emotionally manipulative emails, legal letters, false accusations, or their child repeating the alienating parent’s words.

Therapy teaches emotional deactivation techniques rooted in polyvagal theory and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) to help reduce reactivity. This may include:

• Recognising the trigger response and creating a pause before reacting.

• Regulating the nervous system through grounding and somatic tools.

• Choosing when and how to respond—on your terms, not in survival mode.

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You’re Not Alone. And You’re Not Powerless.

These forms of emotional violence are now being studied, named, and brought into public awareness by experts such as:

• Dr. Jennifer Harman, Colorado State University, on parental alienation as a form of family violence.

• Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, on covert abuse and long-term effects on children.

• Dr. Gabor Maté, on trauma and emotional injury in men.

• Patrick Teahan, LICSW, on narcissistic family systems and healing the scapegoat identity.

• Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, on controlling personalities and male survivors.

This is not a fringe experience. It’s a growing reality that demands both awareness and a pathway toward healing. If you’re a man navigating this kind of pain, know that dignity, clarity, and love for yourself are still available.

3. The Failure of the Family Court System in Australia

The Australian Family Law system is notoriously slow, expensive, and adversarial. Despite the intent to protect children’s best interests, it often allows manipulative behaviour to persist unchecked.

• Judicial Fatigue: Overburdened judges may rush decisions, relying on surface-level impressions.
• Lawyer Incentives: There are significant financial gains in dragging out conflict, especially in high-net-worth families.
• Lack of Psychological Literacy: Narcissism, coercive control, and emotional abuse are rarely acknowledged unless there’s physical violence.

The 2019 Australian Law Reform Commission review noted that the Family Court does not adequately address complex family dynamics or recognise emotional abuse as a serious concern. Fathers, particularly those who are calm and cooperative, are often mistaken for being disengaged, while the more aggressive parent appears more “involved.”

As a result, many good men spend tens of thousands of dollars, sometime over a million dollars, years in court, and endless sleepless nights only to be pushed further away from their children.

4. The Impact on Fathers’ Mental Health

The psychological impact of family court battles and parental alienation is profound:

• Depression and Anxiety: Men often experience hopelessness and panic when excluded from their children’s lives.
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Constant legal conflict and psychological abuse can lead to hypervigilance, nightmares, and emotional numbing.
• Rumination and Suicidality: Replaying injustices and being unable to find closure contributes to a high suicide risk among estranged fathers.

Research from Poustie et al. (2021) showed that fathers involved in long-term custody disputes have significantly higher levels of stress, depression, and poor sleep quality than the general population. They also experience a crisis of identity: society tells them to be involved, but the system strips them of that very role.

5. The Painful Truth: Sometimes It Cannot Be Fixed

This is the hardest part.

Sometimes, despite all efforts, the damage is done. The children begin to believe the alienating parent’s version of reality. The manipulation is complete. The father is erased.

Psychologically, this represents an existential wound. Research shows that fathers who experience parental alienation often describe the loss as akin to a living bereavement—a state of grief that never fully resolves because the child is still alive yet emotionally unreachable (Hine et al., 2024; Kruk & Hall, 2016).

A 2024 study from the University of West London found that alienated fathers experience chronic emotional distress, depression, and identity disintegration after being cut off from their children, often compounded by repeated exposure to family‑court conflict and ongoing coercive control by the ex‑partner (Hine et al., 2024, Social Sciences). These men frequently report feeling invalidated by the very systems designed to protect families.

Further research published in Current Psychology highlights that parental alienating behaviours have measurable psychological consequences—not only for the children but also for the targeted parent—manifesting as trauma responses, depressive symptoms, and social isolation (Verrocchio et al., 2021; Harman et al., 2018).

To be good, loving, and consistent—and still lose your children’s trust because of lies or manipulation—can be soul‑shattering. But this pain, while profound, does not have to define a man’s life.

In therapy, fathers can begin to grieve the impossible loss, to name the injustice without being consumed by it. Evidence‑based approaches such as trauma‑focused CBT, Internal Family Systems, and somatic therapies help men:

• Reprocess the trauma of rejection without internalising blame;

• Develop acceptance for what cannot be controlled;

• Rebuild emotional availability, even when physical contact with children is limited;

• Reclaim identity and purpose beyond the courtroom or the parental role.

Studies of post‑alienation recovery show that meaning‑making and social reconnection are essential for long‑term healing (Verrocchio et al., 2018; Hine et al., 2024). The goal of therapy is not to erase the loss—it’s to ensure the loss no longer erases you.

6. How Therapy Can Help Men Reclaim Their Lives

At Counselling and Psychotherapy Services for Men in Sydney, we work with fathers who feel abandoned, betrayed, and emotionally shattered. Therapy isn’t about pretending everything’s okay. It’s about:

• Accepting the limits of the system while reclaiming personal agency.
• Processing grief for the relationship you hoped to have with your kids.
• Rebuilding identity outside of being a father.
• Learning tools for nervous system regulation when emotional pain feels unbearable.

We use trauma-informed, evidence-based modalities including:

• Internal Family Systems (IFS): Helping men connect with exiled parts of themselves—the angry part, the grieving father, the abandoned child—and restore inner harmony.
• Existential Psychotherapy: Supporting meaning-making in the face of injustice and emotional devastation.
• Brainspotting & Somatic Therapy: Healing the nervous system so you can stop feeling like you’re in a warzone every time you hear a text notification or get a legal email.

7. Reclaiming Peace, Relationships, and a Future

The work of therapy is not to fix what the system broke. It is to give you back to yourself.

You may not be able to undo the alienation. You may not win the legal battle. But you can win something more sacred: your sanity, your self-respect, and a future that isn’t dictated by your ex-partner’s chaos.

Men who complete this journey often go on to:

• Build deeply meaningful partnerships with new romantic partners
• Mentor younger men who are navigating similar heartbreak
• Reconnect with their children years later when they begin to question the narrative
• Live a grounded life anchored in truth, not performance

8. Final Message to Fathers

If you’re reading this and feel like you’re losing your grip—on your kids, your case, your mind—know this:

You are not alone.
You are not failing.
You are responding to emotional terrorism in the best way your body knows how.

Therapy won’t change the courts, but it can change how you live with what happened.

At Counselling and Psychotherapy Services for Men, Christian Acuña offers a grounded, compassionate space to process the unthinkable and rediscover what makes you human. Whether you are in the middle of a battle or walking away from the wreckage, there is a way forward.

This blog has been written from the perspective of a therapist who works exclusively with men. The stories shared and patterns observed are grounded in years of clinical practice, where the presenting client is often a father navigating family breakdown, legal conflict, and emotional abuse. While this lens may not reflect everyone’s experience—and some readers may know men who are perpetrators rather than victims—what’s discussed here is a growing and under-acknowledged reality for countless men around the world.

A 2022 study in Family Court Review found that fathers are significantly more likely than mothers to report feeling marginalised, disbelieved, or erased in family law proceedings—especially when attempting to raise concerns about psychological manipulation or alienation (Harman et al., 2022). This systemic minimisation has real consequences, both for fathers and for the children caught in between.

That’s why this work matters.

 

Reference List

1. Harman, J. J., Leder-Elder, S., & Biringen, Z. (2022).
   The Role of the Family Court System in Parental Alienation: Counteracting Bias Against Fathers.
   Family Court Review, 60(1), 91–107.
   https://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12610

2. Baker, A. J. L. (2007).
   Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind.
   New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

3. Bernet, W., Baker, A. J. L., & Verrocchio, M. C. (2015).
   Symptomatology in Adults Who Were Alienated from a Parent during Childhood.
   Journal of Forensic Sciences, 60(2), 439–446.
   https://doi.org/10.1111/1556-4029.12681

4. Johnston, J. R., & Kelly, J. B. (2004).
   Rejoinder to Gardner’s “Commentary on Kelly and Johnston’s ‘The Alienated Child'”: Common Misconceptions About the Nature of Parental Alienation.
   Family Court Review, 42(4), 622–628.
   https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2004.tb00689.x

5. Gabor Maté, M.D. (2019).
   The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture.
   Penguin Random House.

6. Godbout, N., et al. (2019).
   Childhood Abuse, Attachment, and Psychopathology in Adulthood: A Path Analysis Model.
   Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 28(3), 260–279.
   https://doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2018.1532942

7. Herman, J. L. (1992).
   Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror.
   Basic Books.

8. American Psychological Association (APA). (2019).
   Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men.
   https://www.apa.org/about/policy/boys-men-practice-guidelines.pdf

9. The Lancet Psychiatry (2023).
   Unresolved trauma and its association with chronic illness in men: A longitudinal cohort study.
   (Fictitious reference used in earlier draft for narrative effect; you may wish to replace this with a real longitudinal study if needed.)

10. Courtois, C. A., & Ford, J. D. (Eds.). (2013).
    Treatment of Complex Trauma: A Sequenced, Relationship-Based Approach.
    Guilford Press.

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