Many men who come to see me here in Sydney share a common struggle: their minds rarely switch off. They replay conversations, scrutinise decisions, or second-guess how they came across to others. This mental hamster wheel is called rumination, and it’s more than just harmless overthinking—it’s a relentless loop that research shows fuels anxiety, depression, and self-doubt (Nolen-Hoeksema, 1991; Smith & Alloy, 2009). When your mind is caught in these cycles, it becomes harder to live in the moment or trust your own decisions, leaving you constantly seeking reassurance from the outside world.

Often tied closely to rumination is another well-documented pattern: people-pleasing. Known in psychological literature as sociotropy, this deep need to gain approval and avoid conflict is linked to higher emotional sensitivity and increased risk of depression, particularly when relationships feel uncertain (Beck et al., 1983). The combination of rumination and people-pleasing doesn’t just make life harder internally—it also makes you more vulnerable to being used or emotionally manipulated by others who sense your willingness to bend over backwards to keep them happy.

Why do we ruminate?

Rumination usually starts with a good intention. Your brain is trying to protect you—by analysing what went wrong, it hopes to prevent future mistakes or hurt. But unlike healthy reflection, rumination rarely leads to genuine insight. Instead, it traps you in repetitive loops that circle old wounds and fears without resolution, often blurring the line between what’s real and what’s imagined.

Much of this comes from deeply cemented beliefs shaped in childhood, often in environments where love or safety felt uncertain. If, for instance, you grew up with emotionally distant parents, or in a household where mistakes were harshly criticised, you might have developed the belief that “I’m not good enough,” or “If I mess up, I’ll lose love or approval.” These internal rules become so ingrained that, as an adult, even minor social slip-ups can trigger hours (or days) of mental replay.

For example:

• You send a text that doesn’t get an immediate reply, and your mind jumps to “They must be annoyed with me—I shouldn’t have said that.”

• You give a work presentation and spend the rest of the day obsessing over a small stumble, convinced everyone thinks you’re incompetent.

• You replay a harmless joke you made at a party, worrying it offended someone, unable to let it go.

Peer-reviewed studies support how early maladaptive schemas (deep cognitive-emotional patterns developed in childhood) drive this process. Research on schema theory (Young et al., 2003) and rumination (Nolen-Hoeksema et al., 2008) shows these old beliefs act like mental filters, pulling you back into rumination whenever something brushes against your historical fears of inadequacy, abandonment or rejection.

This mental noise doesn’t just keep you stuck—it often distorts reality, making neutral situations feel threatening, and draining your emotional energy in the process.

How it links to people-pleasing

Men who get stuck in rumination often share another pattern: difficulty saying no. You might find yourself avoiding the possibility of disappointing others, or feeling outright terrified of upsetting someone. This is classic people-pleasing — putting others’ needs above your own, not from generosity, but out of an underlying fear of rejection, abandonment, or disapproval.

People-pleasing can show up in all sorts of ways:

• Saying yes to things you genuinely don’t want to do

• Taking on more responsibility at work or home than feels fair, because it’s harder to risk conflict

• Feeling uneasy or anxious if someone seems even slightly unhappy with you

• Constantly fishing for reassurance or praise just to feel momentarily okay

What’s so striking is that many of the men I work with here in Sydney — whether straight, gay, or anywhere on the spectrum — grew up in environments where affection, safety or approval felt conditional. You might have learned early that keeping others happy was the best way to stay connected or avoid punishment. Over time, this strategy becomes embedded not just in your thoughts, but in your brain’s actual wiring.

Even as an adult, a part of you might clearly recognise that always pleasing others is hurting your mental health. But another part — an older, deeper cluster of beliefs and neural circuits — hijacks your behaviour. Research on emotion-driven schema modes (Young et al., 2003) and the neuroscience of maladaptive patterns (Schore, 2015) shows that these beliefs are physically stored in your brain’s networks, linked to memories of safety or danger. So despite your logical brain knowing it’s unbalanced or unsustainable, this older wiring fires up, telling you it’s safer to comply than to risk being disliked or abandoned.

It’s a distorted sense of safety, where the familiar pattern of overextending yourself feels more secure than the unknown territory of setting boundaries. This is why men often say in therapy, “I knew I shouldn’t have done it — but I just couldn’t help myself.” It’s not weakness or stupidity. It’s your brain protecting old wounds, even if the cost is your current well-being.

How others can exploit this (and what it costs you)

When chronic rumination and people-pleasing come together, they create a psychological blueprint that makes you easier to manipulate—often in subtle, everyday ways. Peer-reviewed research highlights how traits like excessive agreeableness, low assertiveness, and high dependency are systematically linked with being taken advantage of in close relationships and social settings (Buss et al., 1992; Kachadourian et al., 2004).

In your intimate relationships

Partners may guilt-trip you for expressing needs, withdraw affection when you try to set a boundary, or use subtle criticisms that feed your pre-existing doubts. Studies on attachment anxiety and dependency have shown these traits increase vulnerability to emotional manipulation and abusive dynamics in romantic relationships (Kachadourian et al., 2004; Arriaga & Agnew, 2001). This often results in staying in unhappy or even destructive marriages because your mind equates saying “no” or leaving with catastrophic loss.

Among friends and social groups

It also happens in friendships. Individuals high in interpersonal sensitivity and sociotropy—a personality style defined by preoccupation with pleasing others—are more likely to attract exploitative friends who come around only when they want something (Clark & Beck, 1999). This can evolve into patterns of emotional labor where you’re constantly fixing others’ problems, at the cost of your own mental health.

In the workplace

At work, research into social undermining and exploitation of low-assertive employees shows how colleagues or managers often offload extra tasks onto those unlikely to push back (Duffy et al., 2002). Over time, this contributes to burnout, decreased job satisfaction, and feelings of chronic resentment.

Why this happens even when you know better

The most frustrating part? You might logically understand it’s happening—yet still comply. Neuroscientific and schema-focused models explain why: your brain has well-worn circuits tied to safety, shaped by earlier experiences (Schore, 2015; Young et al., 2003). Even when you consciously see the manipulation, old networks fire up, telling you it’s safer to give in than to risk conflict or disapproval.

This distorted sense of safety often means men end up in lopsided marriages, emotionally draining friendships, or careers where they’re undervalued—simply because it feels too dangerous, on a deep neuro-emotional level, to assert themselves.

A short case example (disguised)

Take James, a fit, good-looking man in his 30s living in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs. On paper, his life seemed near perfect: a strong circle of mates, a thriving career in finance in the CBD, married to a partner everyone envied. But behind closed doors, James felt chronically on edge and emotionally exhausted.

He replayed even minor interactions at work — a comment from a colleague, a subtle shift in someone’s tone — late into the night. Socially, he couldn’t say no, tagging along to endless dinners or parties out of fear of seeming difficult or losing connection. The truth was that James’ entire sense of self-worth hinged on how others perceived him. If people seemed pleased, he felt okay. If not, he spiralled into self-criticism.

Over time in therapy, James began to tolerate the discomfort of letting people down occasionally. He realised that the genuine relationships stuck around, while the more one-sided ones quietly faded. By learning to separate his value from external approval, James built a calmer, more authentic life — one where his worth wasn’t measured by who invited him out or praised his work.

Breaking the cycle

These patterns are not life sentences — your brain can change. Thanks to neuroplasticity, it’s entirely possible to build new, healthier neural pathways that support more authentic self-worth and resilience (Schore, 2015; Singh & Karkare, 2017).

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), including newer approaches like Rumination-Focused CBT (RFCBT), has been shown in multiple trials to significantly reduce repetitive negative thinking, preventing relapse in depression and anxiety by helping people shift from abstract “why” questions to practical “how can I grow?” thinking (Watkins et al., 2011). Neuroimaging studies confirm CBT actually strengthens connections in the brain’s prefrontal cortex — the area responsible for emotional regulation — while quieting the circuits linked to worry and self-criticism (Goldapple et al., 2004).

Existential psychotherapy dives beneath surface symptoms to explore core questions of meaning, choice and identity, helping men anchor their self-worth in something deeper than approval from others (Vos et al., 2015). This is crucial for people-pleasers, who often measure their value through how well they meet others’ needs.

EMDR and somatic approaches (like Sensorimotor Psychotherapy) directly process old memories stored in the nervous system. Studies show EMDR changes how distressing memories are encoded in the brain, reducing amygdala overactivation (the fear centre) while enhancing prefrontal control (Pagani et al., 2017). This helps calm the body’s hair-trigger reactions that often drive rumination and people-pleasing.

Mindfulness and compassion-focused interventions also support new neural wiring by helping you stay grounded in the present rather than lost in fearful “what ifs.” Meta-analyses confirm these practices reduce habitual rumination and strengthen brain regions tied to self-regulation and internal validation (Guendelman et al., 2017).

Together, these therapies do more than just reduce symptoms. They gradually build authentic, respectful self-connections — so your value isn’t measured by how indispensable you are to others. Instead, you develop a relationship with yourself that’s caring and protective of that inner child who once thought he had to fix everyone else to stay loved.

Over time, your brain rewires, internalising the truth that you matter — with or without anyone’s approval. Many men fear therapy means admitting weakness. In reality, it’s one of the strongest, most self-respecting decisions you can make.

Final thoughts

If you recognise yourself in these patterns — overthinking, doubting, replaying conversations, or putting others first until you’re drained — you’re not alone. Many men, across all backgrounds and sexualities, find themselves stuck here, wrestling with the same mental loops and self-doubts.

I’ve dedicated my practice here in Sydney to helping men break out of these exhausting cycles. As a psychotherapist and counsellor, I’m becoming recognised as a men’s mental health expert, particularly in the areas of rumination, negative self-beliefs, and unhealthy attachment patterns. My work is about helping you dismantle these old dynamics and build something far stronger: a solid, authentic, secure attachment with yourself — and with that lost inner child part of you that still longs to be heard, loved, and protected.

Because ultimately, it’s not someone else’s warmth you need to keep that child safe. It’s yours. When you learn to stand by him — to protect and validate your own needs — everything begins to change.

If you’d like to explore how therapy could help you build more confidence, clarity, and genuine self-respect, I’d be honoured to support you. It might just be the most important investment you ever make in yourself.

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Clinical References

• Arriaga, X. B., & Agnew, C. R. (2001). Being committed: Affective, cognitive, and conative components of relationship commitment. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(9), 1190-1203.

• Beck, A. T., Epstein, N., Harrison, R. P., & Emery, G. (1983). Development of the Sociotropy-Autonomy Scale: A measure of personality factors in depression. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51(2), 252-263.

• Buss, D. M., Gomes, J., Higgins, D. S., & Lauterbach, K. (1992). Tactics of manipulation in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 62(4), 642-652.

• Clark, D. A., & Beck, A. T. (1999). Scientific foundations of cognitive theory and therapy of depression. Wiley.

• Duffy, M. K., Ganster, D. C., & Pagon, M. (2002). Social undermining in the workplace. Academy of Management Journal, 45(2), 331-351.

• Goldapple, K., Segal, Z., Garson, C., Lau, M., Bieling, P., Kennedy, S., & Mayberg, H. (2004). Modulation of cortical-limbic pathways in major depression: treatment-specific effects of cognitive behavior therapy. Archives of General Psychiatry, 61(1), 34-41.

• Guendelman, S., Medeiros, S., & Rampes, H. (2017). Mindfulness and emotion regulation: Insights from neurobiological, psychological, and clinical studies. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 220.

• Kachadourian, L. K., Fincham, F. D., & Davila, J. (2004). Attitudinal ambivalence, rumination, and forgiveness of partner transgressions in marriage. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 30(3), 334-348.

• Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 400-424.

• Pagani, M., Di Lorenzo, G., Monaco, L., Niolu, C., Siracusano, A., Verardo, A. R., Lauretti, G., & Fernandez, I. (2017). Neurobiological correlates of EMDR monitoring–An EEG study. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 1936.

• Schore, A. N. (2015). Affect regulation and the origin of the self: The neurobiology of emotional development. Routledge.

• Singh, A., & Karkare, S. (2017). Neuroplasticity: How learning changes the brain. Journal of Advanced Medical and Dental Sciences Research, 5(6), 54-58.

• Vos, J., Craig, M., & Cooper, M. (2015). Existential therapies: A meta-analysis of their effects on psychological outcomes. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 83(1), 115-128.

• Watkins, E. R., Baeyens, C. B., & Read, R. (2009). Concreteness training reduces dysphoria: Proof-of-principle for repeated cognitive bias modification in depression. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 118(1), 55-64.

• Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.